Questions for a Prospective Spouse
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Doug Wilson suggests 21 Questions for a Prospective Suitor and 21 Questions for a Prospective Wife.
posted by JT at Thursday, March 29, 2007
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11 Comments:
Hi,
A few observations on the questions:
1. He seems to assume that the prospective girl comes from a Christian family.
2. The angle of certain questions are uncertain. Believing that all women should use brains and having a high GPA score could be mutually exclusive. Surely there could be room for love which transcends beyond such criteria.
Husbands, love your wife as Christ loves the church.
Edward
Where is there room for gospel transformation? This list seems to me to be a lot of pschological determinism. What if the potential spouse had viewed pornogrophy or gotten a girl pregnant in high school? Can we not forget what is behind and press towards the mark? How about the young man raised in a fine Christian home, who answers the questions favorably and then once in a "safe marriage" falls into horrible sin? I have two sons and what I want for them and their potential spouses is a passion for Christ and his word, observable service and a humility about their own sin.
Kate
Also , forgot to mention would John Newton or Paul not pass the potential spouse questionaire?
Kate
All of these questions would be useful to consider, but the author certainly does his readers a disservice in not talking about the role of grace, forgiveness, prayer, and discernment in how to utilize these questions.
With my checkered past, I certainly would have failed this little "exam," but God's grace is rich and his forgiveness is without reservation, and I'm glad my girlfriend (now my wife of five wonderful years) recognized that.
The questions are all written to find out information that could be very helpful. They are not in my mind intended by necessity to communicate an angle or a moral judgment. This is just one facet of the transparency with which we are all called to as Christians. As Piper has said, our theology comes out our finger tips. All of the answers to these questions reveal information that can be very useful as a parent in knowing how to shepherd a relationship. None of the questions stated what much be done if the person is not perfect (God forbid) or has sinned in some grievous manner the past.
So, for example, asking about a lower GPA can reveal the answer to a question such as:
Is this person lazy or did they work very hard to get the GPA that they did? OR questions about someone's sexual history can reveal potential pitfalls in the future.
A wise parent will take these questions and use them…wisely. A foolish parent, as with anything else, can take these questions and abuse them. Nevertheless, they are insightful and well worth asking.
Best Regards,
Michael
The greatest part of this exercise is that Wilson still believes that a few words in an interview are sufficient basis to know your prospective mate. I like this. Too often these days, we get people who are afraid to invoke the checklist approach because they think its too simplistic and reductionistic, but those are the same people who fail to invoke epistemological certitude. The fact is, if people would just be honest in these interviews, and hold to their word, then we'd have a lot less divorce. Thanks for these precious questions! (While in the short while, they may flatten the "mystery" of the relationship - in the long while, they preserve it by making sure we're on the same page and have the same standards. Besides, who really cares about mystery - its not even Biblical. Actually, mystery in the Bible means something once concealed and then revealed, so in a sense, we're actually promoting understanding and Biblical mystery by our efforts here!)
this guy is a hoot. but, despite all the questions: i'm not sure what the right answers are. my girl's dad left her mother for another woman. she holds fast to christ. should i be worried? also, i like pornography a lot. should she dump me? doesn't this fail to see me for more than my faults? i feel worthless and incapable of being loved when you maintain such standards. to a caring person: please respond.
I didn't read where Wilson stated to dump or keep based on the answers given to these questions. They must have hit a spot that makes folks uncomfortable.
It is true that these questions will hit a spot that makes folks uncomfortable.
However, coming from Singapore, I would suggest that these questions are somewhat culturally conditioned (and perhaps designed to go against current culture trends) in the American context.
In Singapore, most believers here are first generation converts. So a lot of the questions about christian upbringing would seem strange. On the other hand, Singapore is a strongly meritocratic country (i.e. read grades/results/career are life/death issues to a lot of people). So questions about grades are often conceived to be loaded.
So, I guess that coming from such a context, I would be looking at certain questions with a certain bias.
God bless
Edward
Additionally, these seem to assume that the woman still lives with her parents and that she has godly parents. This doesn't account for those from broken families or who maybe became a Christ follower later in life. Also, the age of the single woman/man is increasing. Many are waiting to court later in life.
I've read these lists before on godly spouses and it always leaves me depressed. There's things that I can't help but have on the list that constitute red flags (growing up in a troubled non Christian home). And I wasn't even given a chance.
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