Losing a Baby
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Rick Phillips:
Last month, my wife and I experienced a loss that many others have endured. In the eleventh week of her pregnancy, our little baby died. It was our sixth pregnancy and first lost child. And it deeply grieved our hearts.Read the whole thing.The process of grief for this loss has been both difficult and insightful. With the latter in mind, I thought I would share some of the things we have experienced, with the aim of helping others and those who minister to them.
posted by JT at Friday, January 04, 2008
9 Comments:
I greatly appreciated this piece as my wife and I have went through this with two pregnancies. We chose to name both babies who did not live long enough to be born because even if God did not allow us the opportunity to care for them outside of the womb, my wife did provide for them while they were in it.
A dear friend of mine lost her baby about a year and a half ago. She has to remind herself actively of God's Sovereignty and purpose in all things.
What a mighty God that turns all things as a means to His purposes! May we take joy in that as well.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
My husband and I have knowingly lost 2 babies around the 11th week. I've struggled a lot trying to figure out whether or not my baby is with God. I've searched the scriptures and found things that comfort me and things that do not. After a long time I decided to rest in the goodness and sovereignty of God to do what is right with our child. However, as you can probablly imagine, I still sometimes search for that black and white answer.
But, you seem so sure about babies, your baby, being justified by Christ blood. Can you help me understand how you came to this conclusion? I would really appreciate it as I still would like a definitive answer for our babies.
Thank you and my prayers are with your family.
Christie,
The Bible does not address this issue directly, in Q&A form. So my belief on this issue is shaped by a cluster of biblical teachings that all point in this same direction, namely, that the children of believers who die in or before infancy are justified through the blood of Christ (for redemption from their native participation in Adam's sin, see Ps. 51:7) and immediately regenerated into glory. These teachings include the following:
1) Just as we teach our little children to call God "Father", we believe that our infant children belong to God by virtue of the covenant of grace, which says, "I will be your God and the God of your children." Likewise, Paul says that the children of believers are "holy" unto the Lord (1 Cor. 7:14). All this indicates that by virtue of our faith, we should understand that our children begin life in fellowship with our God. But what about covenant children who fall away from the faith? We understand that in that case (barring future conversion), these were non-elect children. But by turning from the Lord they are covenant-breakers and not mere unbelievers. I see nothing in the Bible to indicate that we should consider infant and pre-infant covenant children to be non-elect. After all, Jesus said (specifically of covenant children), "Let the little children come to me... for to such belongs the kingdom of God" (Lk. 18:16).
2) But how can infants who die be saved without personal faith? I agree with the Westminster Confession of Faith, which says, "Elect infants, dying in infancy, are regenerated, and saved by Christ, through the Spirit" (X.3). In other words, faith is for those in this life. But for those cases in which God has sovereigntly ordained that they will either never enter this life or never possess the faculties for faith, we should understand that upon their deaths elect children are immediately regenerated into glory. We know for a fact that at least some covenant infants who die are elect (see below, re: David's son), and the only way such a child could enter heaven is by immediate regeneration apart from faith. But I will happily go further and say again that I see no biblical reason to believe that any covenant children who die in infancy or before birth are not elect. The only thing Jesus ever says about them is "Let them come to me, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." Therefore, we should believe that our children who die in or before infancy are elect and were regenerated through the Spirit by our Savior into glory.
3) The only clear example we have in Scripture strongly points in this same direction, i.e. the infant death of David's son with Bathsheba. While the child was dying, David grieved and mourned. But when the child died, David got up, explaining, "I shall go to him" (2 Sam. 12:23). David trusted that he would see his son in heaven. So here we have a covenant baby going to heaven apart from personal faith, because of the special circumstances of the case. Again, I see no biblical reason to think that David was a special case or that his status as king was responsible for his child being accepted by God. God's promise that "I will be your God and the God of your children," supplies the rule, not the exception. And just as we trust this promise as we labor to bring our living children to faith and discipleship, we trust it all the more for our infants who have died. God has sovereignly seen fit to take them from this world before they have the capacity for faith, and all the biblical evidence points to us believing that he therefore saved them apart out of his covenant faithfulness to us, even though they never entered under the condition of faith as the instrument of salvation.
I have tried my best to be clear, although I know this is not easy, cut-and-dried, Bible verse quoting. Again, given the above, I see that all the biblical evidence points us to this conviction, and therefore I hold to this conviction firmly and with great hope.
I think it would grieve me just as much as losing this child to have one of my living children apostatize from the faith. But each of them must ultimately stand before the Lord in his or her own faith, no longer able to stand in my faith and the faith of their mother. But for this child whom God has taken from the womb, the faith of his parents has effected his salvation. Everything I read in the Bible tells me to believe this, and I do believe it, with thanks to my faithful Lord and Savior.
May the Lord bless you,
Rick Phillips
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Our God is a God of salvation, and to God, the Lord, belong deliverances from death" (Ps. 68:19-20).
Rick,
Thank you for your insights. The first two points you made are very new to me and I am encouraged to be able to search them out.
Your 3rd point has always given me hope and comfort. In fact, just today my husband Erik commented how David lamented over his son Absalom as there was no hope for him and contrasted that to David's reaction to the death of his first child.
My biggest hold up is the nature of our sin and the responsibility to believe and be saved.
Thank you for your help though and pointing out new things for me to look into. I'm sure it will be edifying.
OH, and thanks for replying so quickly. I had actually hurried back home and checked the blog to see if there might be a response to my questions.
Resting in HIM,
Christie
Appreciate your vulnerability on such a personal issue. My wife and I lost two babies before God blessed us with a a beautiful baby boy who will be eight months old in one week. We have felt the sting and blessing in both the losses and birth of our son. Thanks again
Losing a child is a very painful experience. My wife and I lost our fourth child in 1998. The pain was equally met by the Good Shepherds comfort. I officiated my sons funeral and penned a poem that perhaps may bring you comfort.
ADRIAN
Sergio Tangari 1998
Adrian, as I waited I knew the inevitable was true,
there’d be no cries come forth from you,
there’d be no laughter or sorrow awaiting your tomorrow.
Adrian, as I waited I pondered my heart so blue,
knowing only for moments that I’d hold you,
we wouldn’t play at all in the sand,
nor would I ever see you stand.
Adrian, as I waited I felt oh so hollow,
my eyes filled with tears so hard to swallow,
we wouldn’t go camping, nor swim in the rivers, you
wouldn’t be part of my present quiver.
Adrian, as I waited I saw that which was rendered,
your frame so soft, little and tender,
only made possible from your mothers great love,
strength given to her from God up above.
Adrian, my son, my seed is no more,
oh how I miss you deep at the core,
however I trust that some day I’ll see,
your face with the multitudes, your face full of glee,
together as we bow at the foot of the Lamb,
together triumphantly forever we’ll stand.
Sergio, your beautiful poem brought tears to my eyes as many memories of our family's two miscarriages came flooding back into my mind. Rick, thank you for sharing your story and Justin thank you for linking to it. May it encourage and offer hope to other couples who have gone down this incredibly painful journey of loss.
Hello! I was trying to access the full text of this post and the link seems to be broken. Is there any way you could email me the full text so I can pass it on to a friend who is going through the loss of a baby this week? This post really encouraged my husband and I as we went through the loss of a baby in January. My email address is jenny_417@hotmail.com. Thanks for your thoughts.
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